Nocturnal Monkey

I'm done with last year's jokes. Done! Yay for this year's fresh, new jokes! There's a video of me performing some of the material from this blog after the jump. A few excrepts from my set at Νύχτες Κωμωδίας last Sunday.
I'm not quite sure why the cameraman decided to use the nightshot function, but it turns out I'm funnier in night-vision.

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Dumbledore was a queer!

Ok, this is way too much fun not to mention. Apparently, J.K. Rowling outed Dumbledore!
So that's why he was being all chummy with Gellert Grindelwald. "Think of the fan fiction" indeed!
The rest of this is just shameless gay jokes (I can't help myself). Consider yourselves warned.

My first thought was, well duuuuuuuuuh, didn't you see his look when he was checking out Harry's... wand? How about his Firebolt broomstick?
Personally, though, I'm ecstatic. I think it's a wonderful revelation, it fits his secretive character, and it's just plain fun to watch the conservatives stumbling all over themselves in the comments.

"It's a publicity stunt! A last-minute move to grab some more of that fading spotlight!" Obviously! Rowling is pandering to the homosexuals! 'Cause 300 million books sold and 2 movies yet to... come out means Harry Potter is so five minutes ago.

"Albus Dumbledore gay ? Ridiculous. Until now I thought the worst thing Rowling could do to Dumbledore was kill him." Now she's raping his corpse! With a strap-on!

According to Ambur_Nikole1, "Websters Dictionary says" Gay" means immoral and dissipated and is having to do with homosexuality!! Websters Dictionary says homosexuality is sexual activity with a person of the same sex!!! Not me but someone smarter then me!!! said that." The... let's call it "grammar" and "syntax" are giving me some trouble, but I think what she's saying is that "gay" means "homosexual". According to Webster. I'm not sure, and I think she's not sure either.

Homophobia? Pah! knoxdkm informs us that "'Homophobia' is a foolish word created by left-wing morons. There is nothing ignorant, prejudicial, intolerant, etc. about believing that homosexuality is wrong." ... I mean, seriously, do I sound ignorant, prejudiced or intolerant to you?
Apparently, some things should be left to the imagination... but only as long as we're not forced to picture Harry Potter and the Glistening Bratwurst.
... the Philosopher's Boner?
I'll stop now.

... the Order of the Penis?

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If I had a time machine, I'd tell the person who spoiled The Usual Suspects for me how he's going to die.

Από το Devilogical:
"Σημερα, με ολο και περισσοτερα παιχνιδια να δινουν αρκετη βαση στην ιστορια περα του gameplay η αναγκη να μοιραστεις αυτη την εμπειρια με τους μη gamers φιλους σου γινεται ολο και μεγαλυτερη."

I'd be gaming a lot more, if that were true.
Νομίζω παλαιότερα τα παιχνίδια βασίζονταν πολύ στην ιστορία. Τον καιρό των Monkey Island, του Full Throttle, του StarCraft, του original Half-Life...
Σήμερα, στην εποχή των graphics-heavy action games (τους fans των οποίων αρέσκεται να θάβει ο Yahtzee), λίγα είναι τα παιχνίδια που αξίζουν μόνο για την πλοκή τους ή για τα συναισθήματα που σου δημιουργούν...

Ας δούμε, πχ, τα most popular games του GameSpot, σήμερα.
1. Street Fighter (I imagine it has to do with fighting. On the street.)
2. Bionic Commando (Bionic Commando features a hero with a grappling hook arm used to navigate levels, to take out enemies, rappel down sheer surfaces, and more.)
3. Halo 3 (υποτίθεται πως έχει πλοκή, αλλά meh)
4. Super Mario Galaxy (looks fun as hell, but no plot here)
5. Unreal Tournament 3 (...)
6. Super Smash Bros. Brawl
7. The Orange Box (ok, αυτό είναι που αναφέραμε ήδη)
8. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (wow! it's not WWII anymore!)
9. Too Human (Too Human is a sci-fi action adventure from developer Silicon Knights. - fascinating!)
10. Link's Crossbow Training (for the Wii)
If you didn't notice, that last one was the punchline...

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Shows start October 25!

Check it out! (try to ignore the ugly web design and long-winded text)
The point is: I'm performing again! Come see me live at Aiolou 48-50 (Monasthraki station)...
I'm going to need all the help I can get... I'm already scared shitless...!

(edit: an anonymous tip informed me that it's October 25, after all)

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Το ράδιο

Μου έλεγε η γιαγιά μου για όταν πρωτοείδε ραδιόφωνο. Τους είχε κάνει φοβερή εντύπωση. Ήταν μεσημέρι, κι ο θείος που το έφερε είπε να τους βάλει λίγη μουσική...

- Έλα μωρέ θείο, απάντησε η γιαγιά, δεν πειράζει... μην τον ενοχλήσουμε τον άνθρωπο τέτοια ώρα...

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Career Opportunities

How does somebody decide to open a candle shop?
"I'm scared of the dark, but I don't trust electricity, either..."
Or a funeral home? Who are these people who say "You know what? I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of dead bodies."

I wonder what they answered on those career personality tests.

-Do you enjoy peace and quiet?
-Did you play with dolls, as a child?
-Are you easily startled by sudden movements?
-Do you enjoy dressing people up but hate it when they breathe?
-Do you like people, but only until they start talking?
-Do you wish people would really listen to you?

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I have a friend... #1

I have a friend. He likes to eat chocolate and bacon pancakes.

It's always fun whenever he orders.
-Hi, what can I get you?
-Hey, I'd like a pancake... with chocolate and bacon, please.
-Right... *writes it down* --Whaaaa?

So we're out together, and he asks for a chocolate and bacon pancake and I'm a curious person and I'm wondering "what does a chocolate and bacon pancake taste like?"
I realize that I'm never going to order any for myself - this is my chance to find out. So he gives me a bite of his chocolate and bacon pancake. And you know what?

It tastes like a pancake. With chocolate. And bacon.

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Return of the Barbarians

Hello there,
I feel we've reached a sort of... threshold of familiarity. I think I'm finally comfortable enough to share some facts about my family.
First of all, I have 4 siblings. Our house is always full. Of noise. Never a dull moment, and all that.

Fortunately, everybody else was gone on vacation these past few weeks. Me? I spent the summer working, therefore enjoying the rare opportunity of having the entire place to myself.
Unfortunately, they're all back, now. And, as if there weren't enough of them as it is, they brought grandma and grandpa along.

So, after 2 months of eating alone (or barely eating) I suddenly find myself having dinner with a party of 8.
We say grace and sit down. I'm pretty starved and the burgers and pasta are making my mouth water. As I'm about to dig in, I realize that whoever set the table gave me 2 knives. And not even the manly kind you can cut with, I'm talking about 2 butter knives.
So I get up from the table and walk all the way to the cutlery drawer to fetch a fork. I sit down again and finally take a bite. It's delicious.
Then, my father asks for the salad. I pass him the salad.
I eat some pasta. It's good pasta.
My sister decides she wants a paper towel. Of course, she can't fetch it herself because she's sitting on the good side of the table. I reach back and stretch as far as I can and hand her the paper towels.
Meanwhile, after all this time, my mouth has dried up. I reach for my glass only to find out that I have no glass. Grandma's claimed it as her own.
So I get up. Again. To get a glass. I fill it at the sink, drink half, fill it up again and sit back at the table.
I've barely picked up my fork when grandpa, aching for some vegetables, reaches for the salad. He hits my glass, instead, and spills the water all over my plate and lap.

At that point, I just left. I waited 'till they were done before going back to the kitchen and eating by myself.

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Falling Piano

This is an idea I've had for a long time. Originally I was going to use a grand piano, but I ended up going with the anvil. First of all: it's easier to draw (and has cleaner lines). Secondly, I think anvils are, much more than pianos, items whose main ability is to fall.

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Μου έκλεψαν, πάλι, το κινητό. (part 2)

(Συνομιλία με το 8011197000, το τηλεφωνικό κέντρο των καταστημάτων COSMOTE)
- Καλησπέρα, δίκτυο καταστημάτων COSMOTE, πως μπορώ να σας εξυπηρετήσω;
- Γεια σας. Μπορείτε να με συνδέσετε με το κατάστημα της Στουρνάρη;
- Εμείς είμαστε το τηλεφωνικό κέντρο για όλα τα καταστήματα. Πείτε μου. Τι θέλετε;
- Μου κλέψανε το κινητό και σήμερα το πρωί πήγα στη Στουρνάρη να μου βγάλουν καινούργια SIM. Μου είπαν ότι θα ενεργοποιηθεί σε 1-2 ώρες. Έχουν περάσει 5 κι ακόμη τίποτα. Από την εξυπηρέτηση πελατών, αφού άκουσα 10 λεπτά το ίδιο τραγούδι ξανά και ξανά (και ξανά) με έστειλαν στο 69710001313 επειδή α, εγώ έχω καρτοκινητό και το 69710001313 είναι που είναι για τα καρτοκινητά. 20 λεπτά αναμονής αργότερα κι αφού μου ζήτησαν όλα μου τα στοιχεία, κατέληξαν στο ότι δεν είναι--
- Μια στιγμή - θα σας συνδέσω με το υποκατάστημα στη Στουρνάρη.
- Καταπληκτική ιδέα!

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Θέλω το τηλέφωνό μου πίσω!

Μου έκλεψαν, πάλι, το κινητό.
Είναι το 3ο που χάνω.
Θα γίνω ανέκδοτο!

- Λέω να πάρω καινούργιο κινητό.
- Γιατί να πληρώνεις; Κλέψε του Duke.
- Μπαααα, δεν μ'αρέσει...
- Ε, κάτσε τότε να του το κλέψει κάποιος άλλος και παίρνεις εσύ το επόμενο...

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Funny Monkey

I'm going to start my comedy blog with a video of the first time I ever played in front of a paying audience.
It's in greek, so those of you who speak (listen) greek, enjoy. The rest of you: laugh at the pauses.

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